RIP 2013

The Waiting Place
…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come,
or a plane to go or the mail to come,
or the rain to go or the phone to ring,
or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.

Everyone is just waiting.

In a little under an hour, the last year of all of our lives will vanish into thin air and if I’m being honest, I’m a little glad – but only a little. 2013 was one of the most difficult, life-changing, heart breaking, soul refreshing 365 days of my short 22year lifespan. A great deal of this year has felt like my Waiting Place. It’s like time stood still. Everything and nothing was happening around me and I just watched. I watched the things/people I hold dear crash and burn. Some things were re-built, some are still drowning and some were renewed. I watched lives turned upside down but I also saw new lives come into the world. I saw families torn apart but I also saw people deciding to officially become family. And all the while, I was just waiting.

[…] the whole wide world watching you win on TV.
Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.
I’m afraid that sometimes you’ll play lonely games too.
Games you can’t win ’cause you’ll play against you.
All Alone! Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.

I think we sometimes have a tendency to chalk events up to the worst thing that happened to us in that situation. All you remember is every time Brian was such an asshole and we all gave each other the “what an asshole Brian is…” look. Or how awful the last church you went to was because you were so tired of volunteering all the time and how lame some of the leaders were. Also there was that girl on the end there who gave you cut eye and you were like “YOU WAN’ SOM’A DIS?!” but then you were like “nah you ain’t even worth it…”. Or how crappy your job is and how every client that walked in thought, “I’m going to ask for every price of every item, try to strike a deal, get the deal after several minutes or arguing, ask to put things aside then never come back so the workers could put all my shit back because WHO WOULDN’T THINK THAT’S AS FUN AS A BARREL OF MONKEYS?!”. My point is that all these things tend to race in my head when I’m alone.

I go over scenarios and they get worse the more time I spend going over them. Somewhere in my mind, I forget that with all of Brian’s assholery, he has was there for me more than he wasn’t. I forget that I really volunteered because I love God and I love serving and I love people; that those lame leaders are the ones who directly or indirectly helped me grow at some point and that girl on the end there is definitely imaginary. I forget that for every disrespectful client, a few say “thank you”, “how are you”, “have a good one”. This year, I felt alone quite a lot because in a lot of ways, I was. I just retreated in my own mind. I went over all the awful things that came with 2013 and they got worse and worse. Then I remembered something my old pastor said: “As Christians, we can be lonely but never alone”

I’m spending New Year’s Eve alone tonight. The whole family is out! House to myself (door is locked and I have invisible robot guards so, check yourself before you wreck yourself). Last night, I had a great talk with an even greater friend and somewhere in that conversation I remembered that for every time I’ve felt alone – I wasn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s important to be alone if the time is used for healthy reflecting. Unfortunately, a great number of my reflections were negative for a long time.  I would play these mind games with myself. What actually happened vs. how I’m remembering it. What I think vs. What is. How it is vs. How it should be. This of course, was the result of being stuck in the waiting place that was/is 2013; the product of not being able to properly balance out faith, school, friends, jobs, etc or what most people would refer to as “life”.

So be sure when you step
Step with care and great tact
And remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act.

Finally, the 2013 chapter has come to a close. You know when you read a book and there’s a particularly difficult or boring or fantastic or whatever type of chapter? That chapter, whether good or bad, just seems to keep going. That’s what 2013 was. It just kept going. The bad things were very bad and the good things were very good; but, I’m ready for next year.

So here’s to 2013, friends! To moving out of your Waiting Place. To being lonely, but never alone. To balance. To friends who kick you in the ass because they love you and want you to start movin’ on up. To every hardship you got through because you got through. To all the awesome things that happened because I’ll bet a lot of them did. And to a God who loves us enough to perfectly plan out these miserable lives we lead, who lets us wreck everything and who gives us a fresh start every waking moment to try and do it a little better next time.

Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!
 – Dr. Seuss, Oh the Places You’ll Go!

John 16: 32B-33 You will leave me all alone.Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me. “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.In this world you will have trouble.But take heart! I have overcomethe world.”

Bring on 2014 bitches

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: