In my late teens/early 20s, I would publicly rage online against anyone I felt deserved it. My college bestie was dating my crush behind my back? Shitpost. My pastor was a closeted asshole? Passive aggressive Bible verse. The party I didn’t vote for did exactly what they said they would? Meme. I was a hero.
Everyone else was too afraid to speak up. Not I. Real courage came from shouting through my keyboard. That’s how change happens. People would privately reach out to me “Joanna, maybe you don’t know the whole story? Why don’t you go talk with them instead of dragging them online?” Talk? Like a nerd? Why don’t YOU grow a pair you coward! Nobody was going to censor me. Not when I had TRUTH ON MY SIDE! Well… part of the truth. The whole truth was more nuanced and contextual. It involved a bit more empathy, understanding and some emotional intelligence. It probably meant that I would need to think a little more critically and do some research. I didn’t have time for that shit though. Justice waits for no one. So, I would light a match and watch the flames burn. I longed to put someone in their place – publicly. To be honest, I still do. And I think if you’re really honest with yourself – you might, too. We must all fight against this (understandable) desire.
FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!!
Without going into too much detail, I was part of an online brawl last week that hit a fever pitch yesterday. Last night I was with a few friends and my blood was boiling RE: this situation and I said “I don’t wish these people ill, BUT – ” one of them cut me off and said :
Say something Christian.
We all laughed but it really hit me. I’ve been blessed (and often cursed) with having grown up in exclusively Christian circles. I’ve been part of many brawls on and off-line but the framework in church has always been that we are ALL called to be better. So when you call someone out, it’s okay since we are all meant to carry Christ’s name/behaviours. It’s all in the name of accountability, no matter how mean we get… In a staff meeting once, a former pastor said that if anyone ever came to him with some bullshit we said in an online battle, he would fire us. Wether we were right or wrong. This, I think, was a good rule. My first draft of this post was called “On Arguing with Fools”. I thought it would be funny and passive aggressive and hit people who were being dickheads. I re-read the title this AM and it did hit a dickhead: me. The original title would have been a fireable offence.
This week I realized that if I am not actively exercising my emotional muscles they will atrophy. If I don’t exercise active listening, it will turn into confirmation bias. Love will turn to hate. Sadness to anger. Compassion to hard heartedness and worst of all: Empathy to apathy. As enraged as I was this week at so many different people for so many different reasons – I was/am most enraged with myself. I noticed my heart turning from “try to talk things out” to “these folks will never change”. The truth is, they may never change. But I must. And I can. And I will. I can almost guarantee you I will get into another social media fight at some point, but I can try to be better tomorrow than I was yesterday. I can say something Christian. Even better, I can actually BE Christian.
People vs. Posts
I have been fighting through this entire post to be mindful of my language and not say anything that someone can take out of context or weaponize against me but you know what? Someone will. Someone somewhere that I have made feel some way will read this and say “what a hypocrite”. They’ll screenshot it and throw it in a group chat and mock me. They’ll use a line here and bring it up in a different context to prove what a piece of shit I am. They’ll share it with their friends, find 4 other people who don’t know me and go IN! I know that because I am guilty of doing this, too. They will read this and tear me apart: not the post – me.
So this is what I want to be mindful of and hope you can be mindful of as well when it comes to social media: People are NOT posts. Neither you nor I am the sum of the worst thing we’ve said or done online. I usually end my blogs with some kind of community call to action but right now, one of my communities is fractured in a way I cannot fathom. So, I will speak only for myself here: if I do or say something crazy online and you feel that we have the kind of relationship where you can text or call me – PLEASE do that! Give me the benefit of the doubt. Please reach out and have a real conversation with me. Look me in my stupid face and talk it out with me. Try to understand me and if we still disagree, try not to chalk me up to my worst opinion. Leave me time and room and space to grow. Last week, tensions were high and I ended up on a 5-way call. One person in particular was about to lose it online and every single one of us came together to remind him that cooler heads prevail. We convinced him to leave it alone. We did that on a Facetime call where we could see our friend; look him in his brown eyes, see his smile, hear his laughs and find a soul worth protecting from a Facebook fist fight. I have lost my way a bit and need some of you to help me find my way back. I pray that you have friends who will do the same. Lastly, let me heed to Hadi’s words and say something Christian:
James 1:19
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
Extraordinarily Ordinary 