One time after I sang at church, a woman told me that my voice was incredibly beautiful. She let me know that she was quite the singer herself and told me whatever the Christian version of “game recognize game” is. I was extra flattered that someone who actually knew music thought I sang well and rode that compliment for weeks! A few months later, I had the displeasure of hearing her sing and to paraphrase the Boondocks : game recognize game and she was soundin’ kinda unfamiliar…
Praise
When I was younger, I would relish in any kind of praise I received. It didn’t come often so when it did, I would immediately dismiss it (as all good women do) while secretly building a Jenga tower of validation in my soul. “You’re so nice!” “You’re so funny!” “What a great voice!” One bye one, I would stack compliments in a neat little obelisk where my confidence precariously laid atop. I never truly believed anything being said but the sweet talk would hold me over for a bit. Fake it ’til you make it and all that. Praise is fickle and can’t always be trusted. I knew that although it was nice to hear, it couldn’t sustain me.
Criticism
Criticism is something I trust much more. For every “you’re so nice” there’s someone saying “she’s just doing it for attention” ; am I? Out goes a Jenga piece. “You’re so funny!… but not like ha ha funny”; say less. I will, too. Out goes another. “What a great voice!” says the woman whose singing can only be described as vocal water boarding; is that what she thinks I sound like? IS THAT what I sound like? Also that water board thing was mean so I don’t sing well and also, I’m A BITCH! Crash goes the tower taking what little confidence I faked having down with it. Criticism reminds me stay in my lane. Unfortunately, I’m struggling lately to even recognize where my lane is.
The Voice Within vs. the Voices Without
It’s come to my attention that there are many songs I sing on the reg whose meanings escape me. What is the sound of silence? Who in the club is getting tipsy? Er…erybody. I suppose some songs are more clear than others. A song I’ve been thinking of a lot is the Arthur theme. As a child it was A BOP! As an adult – I think it might be the greatest philosophical truths ever spoken:
Everyday when you’re walking down the street
Everybody that you meet has an original point of view
You got to listen to your heart, listen to the beat
Listen to the rhythm, The rhythm of the street
[…]
It’s a simple message and it comes from the heart
Believe in this – And in yourself
For that’s the place. To. START!
Lately, I’ve been conflating my original point of view with others. I can’t separate the rhythm of my heart from the rhythm of the streets and worst of all; I cannot believe in myself (AND THAT’S THE PLACE TO START?! I’m fucked.) My voice within is getting drowned out by the voices without; wether criticism or praise, it’s all becoming noise. I don’t know how people believe in themselves. I don’t think I ever have. My game has never been confidence – it’s been courage.
Hey Jude, Begin.
Throughout my life, I have faced almost exclusively rejection which (I thought) made me thick skinned. However, these last few months have felt like a tsunami of rejection on all fronts and I am barely keeping my head above water. This had led to a downturn in courage for the 2nd quarter. I keep trying to stand up and the waves keep crashing down on me. This has led me to a state of paralysis. I don’t know in which direction to move and I’m sitting still in a way that I hate. If you’re reading this and you’re judging me – same. If you’re reading this and feel seen – I gotchu. We can do this. We have to. For Arthur ❤ But more importantly: For us. Community is incredibly important to me and I do my best to cultivate it in any space I find myself in. That said, I’m seeing that I have likely neglected myself through this process. So, if you have any tips on believing in yourself – I’d love to hear them. My hope for myself (and you!) is where confidence lacks, courage will keep us moving and if we’re lucky – vice versa.
So let it out and let it in, hey Jude, begin
You’re waiting for someone to perform with
But don’t you know that it’s just you?
Hey Jude, you’ll do.
The movement you need is on your shoulder.
(These words resonate with me but…wtf is this song about..?)
Extraordinarily Ordinary 