On Envy…

Have you ever had friends that were so incredible and successful and caring in every conceivable way? A way that just filled your heart with pure rage? Well, I’d like you to meet Raajiee, Ben and Akeem and let the hate flow through you…

I Hate my Friends

Less than 24 hours ago, one of them was crushing at one the most famous comedy clubs in Canada, another was killing it at a corporate event he was hand picked to perform at and the other was hosting up a storm at the best comedy club in the city! I, on the other hand, was crying in a bathroom stall because I was bombing on stage so hard. Putting their wins aside, they asked me to come to a bar and blow off some steam knowing I needed it. I lied and said I would meet them there. Instead, I went home to be sad. Here are the texts I got after they realized I ditched:

I bombed. I lied. I bailed. And they respond with these supportive ass messages. Can you believe this shit?! For reasons only the universe knows, the three of them will often simultaneously be celebrating individual or collective highs while I am wallowing in a low. And Every. Single. Time. They choose to put their wins aside, stoop to my level and comfort me instead.
What a pair of assholes.

The Grass is Greener Where you Water It

Being in my 30s has been strange. I am – by all accounts – an adult. So why don’t I feel like one? Everyone seems so much further along. I’m happy for them (I’m not)! A few months ago, I fell into a spiral where it felt like literally anyone and everyone else’s success was a targeted attack against me. OH YOU LEARNED TO TIE YOUR SHOELACES TIMMY?! SO THAT EVERYONE CAN SEE THAT MY STUPID BOOTS HAVE ZIPPERS?! GOOOOOOOOOOOD FOR YOUUUUUUU!!! I don’t know if it’s because when you’re a woman, 33 is basically 3ft under and death draws ever near. I don’t know if it’s because for the first time, I’m starting to think about what I actually want in life. I don’t know if it’s because some of the things I want are proving to be much (MUCH) harder than I anticipated which leaves me feeling like a complete and utter failure; but I’ve started to peek at other people’s gardens which has led to me feeling some way. Those gardens that are so full of careers, partners, business endeavours, kids and all kinds of other wonderful things! Things I’ve perhaps not watered enough. Or maybe even things that are simply not for me. This gets more complex when those gardens belong to people whom I love dearly. Ones who not only water their own gardens – but will tend to mine in moments when they see I can’t bring myself to do it. I’m reminded of a post Akeem will often share on his socials that reads “you can’t compete with me. I want us both to win”.
What a dick.

What’s For You is For You

A few weeks ago, a new comedy club emerged in Montreal and it caused quite a stir with some folks. I suspect it’s because in any industry, a new company brings new competition. I believe that any businessman knows this; but any good businessman (like the ones running said club) would welcome that competition. The healthy kind. The kind where you’re not rooting for anyone to fail because there is room for everyone to flourish. You don’t wish for what they have nor do you wish they lose what they built. True success only inspires more success! Still, I understand the fear because success can often seem finite. If someone else has something – you do not have that thing. Often, you cannot have that thing. That thing is not for you. And that’s okay. There will be other things. I promise. What’s for you is for you and will not pass you by. I need to believe that for me and I need to believe that for you, too. Sometimes I find it REALLY hard to believe that. On a night like tonight, it feels almost impossible. It’s all good; Ben, Akeem and Raajiee will believe it for me for a little while.
What pieces of shit.

May You be Well, May I be well, and May WE be Well

My friends are currently wilding. Acting. Parenting. Auditioning. Performing. Producing. Creating. Writing. Podcasting. Consulting. BEING! All of the above! Or maybe none of the above because they’re doing other cool shit that I don’t even know what! Just last week, my sweet friend Sarah starred and produced a passion project of hers (follow @sarahisfamous pls). You know why? Because Sarah is doing the best that she can! And so am I. And so are you. And sometimes we’re not because life is hard and it can be too much. So let me give you the only kind of advice I know – the unsolicited kind.
When you are peeking at the greener grass everyone seems to be rolling in, and you begin to feel some way about yourself, try this exercise my therapist encouraged me to do: speak these words aloud or write them down…
May (name of person) (a wish you have for them) and may I (the same wish) and may we (the same wish)

I don’t want what’s yours and you don’t want what’s mine (trust me!). You may want a version of what I have and vice versa but what’s for you is for you. I want your garden to be full of all of the things you have watered and wanted!

May you have friends like mine; whose grace and kindness know no depths and will cover a multitude of your sins and envy and bullshit.
May you win and may I win and may WE win.

Even Raajiee, Ben and Akeem.
What fucking losers?!